THE TIME I ALMOST KISSED MARILYN MONROE

It was July 21st, 1962, 

my twenty-fifth birthday.

I gambled five dollars

and won the local lottery

to have dinner with Marilyn Monroe

in downtown Cincinnati. 

We met at six at the Netherland Hilton. 

Marilyn Monroe was quite shy,

so I did most of the talking,

telling her stories from my Upper Peninsula youth.

After dessert and coffee

Marilyn Monroe invited me to her room

to meet her little dog Maf.

I closed the door behind us

and leaned forward to kiss her

but the moment I touched her elbow

I fainted and fell flat on the floor.

Marilyn Monroe helped me back to my feet.

I apologized profusely

but she said, “Don’t worry,

this happens to me all the time.”

That ended my special evening.

I actually thought about   

flying to Hollywood to visit her

but then, just two weeks later,

Marilyn Monroe died

from an overdose of sleeping pills.

The world has never been quite the same.

What They Are Thinking: Three Mini-Poems

István Farkas (1887-1944)

The Aged Sailor and the Old Woman (1939)

This lady, though unsightly, is a prospect 

I could marry her and go off to sea 

It appears she’s insanely wealthy 

Without doubt, there’d be millions for me

The Captain is after my riches 

But my lawyers can take care of that

He would look distinguished at my soiree 

In his handsome white beard and his hat 

István Farkas

Man and Woman in the Window (1939)

She looks stunningly pretty in her outfit

I am so inferior to her

We will have to end it this evening

A tragedy of life, as it were 

My lipstick is smeared

My hair is a mess 

I so want to please him 

I’ll buy a new dress

István Farkas

Separated (1941)

I do feel slight guilt about leaving

How will she ever make do?

I am all that she has in this world 

Too bad that she hasn’t a clue 

And off he goes, la de da

I pray he’ll get on with his life

This is my best moment ever

So unpleasant, being his wife 

Jack and Jill: An Afterword

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down

And broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after

(Anon., 17th century)

Oh Jill, sweet Jill, how could you?

How could you push me down that hill?

I banged my head, I bruised my toe 

A bumpy, frightening spill    

Oh Jack, dear friend, I feel for you

But you were pawing at me 

I pushed you away to protect myself

Then you tripped on a rock, you see

But we climbed that hill to kiss and hug 

There’s no water on top of a hill

Why would you go there if not to kiss?  

Girls’ moods befuddle me still  

No water on top of the hill?

So why did we bring your pail?

I held your arm to rescue you

Then I too tumbled down the trail 

You held my arm to rescue me?

here i feared you were doing me in 

Oh Jill, this fills me with such relief 

The thought of it makes my head spin 

Oh Jack, you are such a silly boy 

But you mustn’t grab girls by force

If you ever in life hope to get a kiss

Please stop being boorish and coarse 

O.K., Jill, I’ll see you soon

O.K.,  Jack, see you later  

Racy Limericks: John Johnson From Wisconsin

I’m sure you have heard of John Johnson

He was born at Oconto, Wisconsin

He drove the girls crazy

Especially Miss Daisy

He looked like a young Charles Bronson

At thirty John Johnson was a virgin

Quite desperate, he met with his surgeon

Said the doc, “This is bad”

“You could lose your doodad”

So John Johnson had sex with a sturgeon

John Johnson still hadn’t much sex

He went out with a pal’s former ex

John tickled her nose

As he tugged at her clothes

But she said, “I have herpes simplex” 

John Johnson met a lady of the night

She brought him to the house of red light

John asked her how much

She said such and such

One second and John was in flight

John Johnson went back to the bar

He spotted three cuties from afar

They gave him a wink

Which caused John to think

“Perhaps they will strum my guitar”

Then John met a girl named Marie

Marie approached life with such glee

John Johnson said, “Let’s do it”

Marie said, “Oh screw it”

And that’s what she did and for free

John Johnson had a girlfriend named Ruby

Miss Ruby had tattoos on her booby

She loved a good time

She would strip for a dime

And then she would do scooby-dooby

John Johnson had eyes for Ms. Mary

But toward him Ms. Mary was wary

John came to her house/

Stuck his hand in her blouse

But Ms. Mary screamed loudly, “How dare he!”

John Johnson knew a girl named Ora

And Ora had a sister named Flora

John met them one night

To their mutual delight

They pretended to be in Gomorrah

John Johnson seduced Goody Smith

He had her imbibe half a fifth

They lay down in bed

And although she played dead

John Johnson proceeded forthwith

John lured Miss Babette to his room

On the guise she could see his heirloom

As he unzipped his fly

Babette poked him in the eye

And John’s lust transformed into gloom

Widow Murphy took Johnson to bed

The widow, of course, was well-bred

She declared, “This is wrong”

As she burst into song

And they played Chinese Checkers instead

John Johnson had a thing for Miss Suzy

He tricked her and got her quite boozy

But she smacked him in the nose

Then strangled him with her hose

R.I.P., John, done in by a floozy

John’s Heavenly stay had begun

He found an angel who could be the one

Alas, her true love was her harp

Sacred songs in C sharp

John asked her if Hell were more fun

The Ballad of the Dark-Haired Girl

I’ll never forget that September day

When I first saw the dark-haired girl

She stood on the lawn across the way

One glance and I felt my head swirl

The freshman mixer had begun the year

The huge crowd had made me feel wary

The dark-haired girl was a source of my fear

Though I daydreamed that one day we’d marry

I saw the dark-haired girl every once in a while

In the spring she was in a French play

I was totally smitten by her genuine smile

But to speak to her, there was no way

One year later I went on a trip

To Milwaukee to visit some friends

On my arrival I felt my heart skip

Fate offers such strange turns and bends

The dark-haired girl was there with my friends

That was so unlikely and scary

I talked with her about odds and ends

Then I told her my dream that we’d marry

The dark-haired girl gave an angry look

She said, “That’s the worst line I’ve heard!”

She seemed to think me a nitwit or crook

And she took off in flight like a bird

That was almost six decades ago

A precipitous time in my life

I often think back to the dark-haired girl  
Even now I’m amazed she’s my wife