The Slap

 

Chris Rock is a sharp-witted fellow 

but some think he crossed the line 

when he ad-libbed his joke at the Oscars 

about Jada Pinkett-Smith’s closely shaven head. 

“Jada, I love you, ‘G.I Jane 2,’ can’t wait to see it.” 

Jada’s husband Will Smith laughed for a second 

but then his inner demons took over and 

he left his chair and strode to the stage 

and smacked Chris Rock in the face. 

“Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth!” 

“Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth!” 

The audience gasped. Was this staged? 

ABC televised the slap but bleeped the coarse words 

and promptly cut to a commercial break. 

Denzel Washington rushed to Will Smith’s aid 

and officials asked Will to leave the room 

but he wouldn’t move from his chair. 

Forty minutes later he was back on stage 

to receive the Best Actor award 

for his portrayal of Richard Williams,  

Venus and Serena’s volatile dad. 

The Hollywood audience 

burst into a standing ovation. 

In a sobbing, rambling speech 

Will Smith apologized to the Academy 

and to his fellow nominees, 

likening himself to Richard Williams, 

 “a fierce defender of his family.” 

Meanwhile Jane Campion won for Best Director 

and Coda was deemed the Best Picture, 

but six months from now 

all we’ll remember of the 2022 Oscars 

is Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.

NEWS OF THE DAY

 

The president’s numbers are low 

The midterm forecast, pure woe 

The voters are bitter

Mass outrage on Twitter 

The Dems better raise lots of dough 

The Omicron variant is here 

The scariest time of the year 

It spreads like wildfire 

Oldies’ outlooks are dire 

Once again locked away by our fear 

The committee’s investigating the Jan. 6 attack 

We, the public, await their feedback 

Team Trump won’t comply 

Obeying orders from on high 

Even so the committee’s on track 

"Legitimate political discourse” 

That’s the violent insurrection, of course 

The RNC is insane 

Echoing Trump’s false refrain 

When even Mitch McConnell has changed course 

Twitter cancelled Rep. Taylor Greene 

For lying about the vaccine 

Marjorie didn’t blink 

She relishes a stink 

And has endless other ways to be obscene 

Novak Djokovic is under the gun 

He’s put off seeking number twenty-one 

Novak fears the vaccine 

Imagines side effects unseen 

So this year's Grand Slams may be done 

The U. of M. Prez lost his job 

Because of his secret heartthrob 

Emails eking affection 

Hints of carnal predilection 

So Schlissel went out with a sob 

And CNN’S Jeff Zucker resigned 

His love interest put left him in a bind 

Though both were divorced 

Disclosure rules were enforced 

So now Jeff is badly maligned 

The Queen gave the Duchess her blessing

“I’m Queen Consort,” said Camilla, effervescing 

Prince Charles, so glad 

Though Prince Harry is mad 

The monarchy needs this, I’m guessing

TOP CINCY NEWS STORIES OF 2021

 

The cicadas came out in mid-May 

 Several billion to locals’ dismay 

 Their songs made a roar 

 Like a Beelzebub snore 

 Then we watched their small corpses decay 

 December twelve, our first Omicron case 

 Now it’s spreading at tsunami pace 

The hospitals are packed 

Rampant illness, a fact 

 Please please keep a mask on your face 

 Mason deemed itself a sanctuary city 

“No abortions” became their new ditty 

 But there’s no clinic there 

 So their claim was hot air 

 Then they voted out the pro-life committee 

 Our West Chester rep made the news 

 She broadcast Doc Truepenny’s views 

 This vaccine, the doc said, 

 Magnetizes your head 

 And causes your eyeballs to ooze 

 The old winning Bengals have returned 

 The Steelers, the Ravens, we burned 

 Our offense is quick 

 Our defense, like a brick 

 The North div first place our team earned 

 Mayor Cranley threw his hat in the race 

 Buckeye governor, he’s pleading his case

Legal weed is his pitch 

 It will make cronies rich 

 Cranley counts on a pot-smoking base 

 Aftab Pureval won the election 

 The new mayor, he’s the Democrats’ selection 

 Aftab thumped David Mann 

With his neighborhood plan 

 The Queen City has a fresh new direction 

 Chad Johnson left a thousand dollar tip 

After eating a yummy French Dip 

 He was at Redlands Grill 

Servers rave about it still 

 I hope they all went on a trip 

 Dusty Rhodes tweeted anti-trans trash 

“Fuck off,” tweeted Seelbach, so brash 

Dusty dropped from the race 

Seelbach made a wry face 

And that was the end of the clash 

 The Bearcats made the playoffs this year 

 In Clifton we’ve had much to cheer 

 But ‘Bama was too mighty 

 And our offense proved flighty 

 So we fans are now sobbing in our beer

Old Dog, New Tricks

A new world, truly.

Because I have fewer underlying conditions 

I volunteered to be  

head grocery shopper for our household. 

An honor though not without its own perils.  

I like to think of myself as a type of domestic first responder. 

This morning Katja gave me the weekly list

and I set out for Clifton Market.

Most items were a snap:

Peanut butter, black olives, greenish bananas, 

dog food, unsalted butter, Bounty paper towels. 

More challenging, the unsweetened cocoanut, 

but I enlisted a shelf-stocking lad 

who guided me straight to my item.  

I eventually found the vinegar department myself

but had to call home on to see 

if “apple cider vinegar”

were the same as the

“cider vinegar” on my list. 

(It was.) 

Two avocados made up the final items

on my scavenger hunt 

and I asked a masked pale-skinned clerk 

where the avocados were.

She pointed to the end of the produce aisle

where I found a variety of exotic fruits

organized symmetrically in cardboard boxes.

Unfortunately only the mangoes and the kiwis were labelled.  

Not entirely confident in my judgment

I picked out two dark green, lumpy, ovular fruits

and carried these back to the masked clerk.

“Would these be the avocados?” I asked hesitantly. 

She looked at me strangely

and nodded affirmatively.

“Would you like my help in choosing some?” she volunteered.

Though appreciative, I graciously declined.

Walking home I reflected

how much I’ve grown 

in my new responsibilities 

as head grocery shopper.  

Now What?

These masks are making me edgy

Are those my neighbors or crooks?   

The world has lost half its smiles   

And where are the pretty girls’ looks?  

And what about staying apart?

Six feet may, in fact, be too little

No handshakes, no hugs, no touches

Connections are tattered and brittle

We’ve lost many good things in life 

Imprisoned as we are in our house  

The germs are the guards for this jail 

At least I’m locked up with my spouse 

Will this be the plot for the rest of our days?

Can we have any hope we'll defeat the malaise?

Jeopardy Fever

Jeopardy fever gripped the viewers

The winner, James Holzhauer, thirty-two weeks 

Almost two point five million point dollars

Said Alex Trebek: “Never seen such techniques” 

James, a sports gambler who lives in Las Vegas 

Skipped his college classes to play online poker

Forget history books, he reads children’s readers

A quirky persona, the smirk of a joker

Week thirty-three, James faced Emma Boettcher

A Chicago librarian, a Jeopardy buff

James took the early lead; Emma doubled her bet

Neck and neck, which warrior would wind up most tough?

No one imagined she’d beat James’s bid 

But Holy Moly, you Boettcher life she did! 

Support Squirrel Update

“Flight to Ohio delayed after woman 

brings ‘emotional support squirrel’” 

[Headline, Cincinnati Enquirer, Oct. 8, 2018]

  

My name is Lupita Louie

Some of you know me as the Squirrel Girl

Yes I was she on the Horizon flight

Terrorized for only wanting emotional support

Arrested, interrogated, investigated, humiliated

Emotional Support —  Ha Ha!

Horizon Airlines 

the satanic home of Anti-Support

My squirrel’s name is Lupitia

Yes, she took her name from me

her best friend, her sister in spirit

Lupitia is two years and two months old

I rescued her

when her deceased mother had an unfortunate 

experience with my cat

Lupitia and I go everywhere together

The soda fountain, the cookie store, the dentist

She is always welcome

True, she is terrified of people 

But still she is gentle and harmless

Why should Horizon Airlines be hostile to rodents?

What’s next?  No chinchillas?  

They allow miniature support horses, for goodness sake

In any case 

We did fly back to Cleveland

I bought my new ticket on Jet Blue

The emotionally supportive airline

I duct taped the windows in Lupitia’s crate

and told the stewardess she was a support kitten

Lupitia never let out a peep

If you are outraged by my story

and want to give emotional support

Please go to my GoFundMe page

and donate ten dollars 

Sincerely yours 

Lupita Louie

Vine Street Bees, Cool Chefs

                Headline:  “Downtown Cincinnati street buzzed 

by bees, Orchids chefs capture swarm” 

[Cincinnati Enquirer, Oct. 10, 2018]

A ho-hum Monday in downtown Cincinnati

Then, like a scene out of Hitchcock  

Twelve thousand bees descend from the sky

Setting up shop at Fourth and Vine

Outside the door of the Orchids restaurant

Bees in all directions

Buzzing, flitting, flapping

Lounging on cars, signs, parking meters

Covering the sidewalks to fifty feet in the air

Pedestrians panic, office workers flee

A hot dog vendor dials 911

A mother hurries her toddlers away

Police are befuddled

Some new form of terrorism?

Word reaches staff in the Orchids kitchen

Executive sous chef Mallory Myers

                Executive chef George Zappas

                                spring into action

Donning their handy beekeeper suits

they rush to the midst of the throbbing swarm

desperately searching for the queen

Twelve thousand worker bees but only one queen

Larger than the rest

and likely near the center of the flock

In mere minutes 

Myers finds the queen

and Zappas entices her into the box

The workers, naturally, follow their queen

And as quickly as it started

the invasion of the bees has come to its end

Not one single drone on Vine Street

Too late in the autumn to start a new hive

Orchids is providing a comfortable home 

These bees, so happy in their new domicile

will produce gallons of honey 

for Orchids and their appreciative patrons

The Thai Cave Rescue

The world watched with bated breath

Northern Thailand

Twelve boys, 11 to 16, their soccer coach

in the underground cave

to celebrate a birthday 

The team’s name, The Wild Boars

“Don’t enter in the rainy season,” 

the warning sign had said

but…

A heavy rainstorm floods the cave entrance

The group retreats

Back, back, still further back

charging waters lapping at their feet

Two miles into the depths of the cave

where the team clings to safety

on a narrow ledge

Three thousand feet below the surface

Pitch black, damp, clammy, no sound

No food, no tools, no jackets, no matches

Imprisoned, no path to escape

Surreal, harrowing

Their coach leads the boys

in guided meditation 

and instructs them to 

lick water off a stalactite 

Death stares all in the eye

A park ranger happens upon their bikes

and Thai military divers enter the cave

The water so murky

their lights are useless

No one knows if the boys are alive

Chances of success, infinitesimal 

Then, nine days later, an incredible stroke of fate

Two British divers surface when their line runs out

and there .... to their surprise .... is the team

Puzzled, disoriented, disbelieving

More divers join the group

A nurse, a doctor

blankets, food

Grave peril for all

Strong currents, no visibility 

Passageways as narrow as fifteen inches

One Thai Navy SEAL — Saman Kunan 

dies on his journey out

A hundred brave divers work in that cave

teaching the boys to swim, to dive

With oxygen dropping to fifteen percent

the rescue begins on Day 16

Two divers for each boy

One diver in front, one behind

“Life-threatening,” all agree

Four boys are brought out on the first day

Four more on the next

And Day 18, the last four teammates and their coach

Underweight, exhausted

But all have survived 

Their families, unimaginable joy

Gratitude and wonder from the boys

The world breathes a sigh of relief
A modern miracle at the Thai cave

The Royal Wedding

We’ve watched every Super Bowl since Vince Lombardi 

The finals at Wimbledon, the French, the U.S. Open

Other galas too: the Oscars, the Tonys, the Kentucky Derby

Even Miss America till Bert Parks retired 

But nothing comes as close in elegance and grandeur as (you know it) 

The Royal Wedding! 

Arguably the number one extravaganza on Earth 

Even our closest friends don’t suspect  

But my wife, we believe, has a touch of royal blood

A mere teenager when her family traveled through Canada 

Numerous strangers approached her on the street

“You look exactly like our beloved Queen,” they’d say

Elizabeth was in her mid-twenties at the time

My wife, a fourth cousin?  A long-lost half sister? 

We’ve always included the royals in our family

Princess Di, practically a sister-in-law  

We see every movie by Helen and Kate

Binge-watched “The Crown” on Netflix

Are glued to the BBC at Buckingham Palace 

But the Royal Wedding, that’s another story 

Few things in life get more real  

The media, of course, a feeding frenzy

Pre-wedding festivities from dawn to dusk 

Then the wedding day itself, Four a.m. till Eleven

I DVR’d the entire lineup 

NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, E!, PBS, LIFE, HBO, CNN

Weeks of viewing pleasure for my spouse  

Mid-summer, it will take, to absorb it all  

No alarm needed, we woke up at six 

Prince Harry, Prince William, ambling into the chapel

Fine military regalia, Harry’s neatly trimmed beard

Then Megan Markle in her Hollywood splendor

Tiara, white gown, a forty foot train

A bevy of flower girls, tousle-haired page boys

Prince Charles himself walks the bride down the aisle  

There among the onlookers, Oprah, George C., and Elton John 

And, of course, the Queen herself, looking stately in chartreuse 

Sweet glances, quiet laughter, Harry’s slight signs of nerves

The gospel choir singing, “Stand by me”

My wife sheds a tear at the holy vows

A kiss on the steps, the carriage ride, the adoring crowd

Seventy-five thousand strong

Red-uniformed cavalry, twenty-six noble stallions 

Suddenly it’s over, this fairy-tale wedding 

The end of royal marriages for two or three decades 

We’ll probably be a hundred two by then 

But Prince Philip looked surprisingly fit at ninety-six

That leaves royal hope for the rest of us 

A Cruise From Hell: A Rondel*

A South Pacific cruise so sweet

Until an ugly brawl broke out

A girl’s flip-flop caused a lout 

To push and kick and curse and beat

This wilding family, such conceit 

They prowled the decks to scream and shout

A South Pacific cruise so sweet

Until an ugly brawl broke out 

The staff attacked in white hot heat

Heads were hammered, men knocked about

Families frightened fled the rout 

Officials made arrests discreet 

A South Pacific cruise so sweet

   *News source: ”’Brawl family’ clashed with staff,” www.news.com.au, Feb. 22, 2018