The Slap

 

Chris Rock is a sharp-witted fellow 

but some think he crossed the line 

when he ad-libbed his joke at the Oscars 

about Jada Pinkett-Smith’s closely shaven head. 

“Jada, I love you, ‘G.I Jane 2,’ can’t wait to see it.” 

Jada’s husband Will Smith laughed for a second 

but then his inner demons took over and 

he left his chair and strode to the stage 

and smacked Chris Rock in the face. 

“Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth!” 

“Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth!” 

The audience gasped. Was this staged? 

ABC televised the slap but bleeped the coarse words 

and promptly cut to a commercial break. 

Denzel Washington rushed to Will Smith’s aid 

and officials asked Will to leave the room 

but he wouldn’t move from his chair. 

Forty minutes later he was back on stage 

to receive the Best Actor award 

for his portrayal of Richard Williams,  

Venus and Serena’s volatile dad. 

The Hollywood audience 

burst into a standing ovation. 

In a sobbing, rambling speech 

Will Smith apologized to the Academy 

and to his fellow nominees, 

likening himself to Richard Williams, 

 “a fierce defender of his family.” 

Meanwhile Jane Campion won for Best Director 

and Coda was deemed the Best Picture, 

but six months from now 

all we’ll remember of the 2022 Oscars 

is Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.

Theda Bara, Cincinnati Vamp

I’ve always had crushes on movie stars

Theda Bara was one of the first 

A beauty of the silent film era

(Though my mother said she was the worst)

Theda’s characters seduced rich middle-aged men

She was known from the start as “the Vamp” 

She led her victims to ruin and death

Nowadays we would say her style’s camp

They claimed she was born in the shadow of the Sphinx

Her mother, a French actress; her father, a sheik

The letters, Theda Bara, spelled “Arab Death”  

Occult powers lent to her mystique

In truth, Theda was born in Cincinnati

She grew up in Avondale 

Her birth name was Theodosia Goodman 

As a child, little Theda was frail

Theda’s father was an immigrant tailor

She finished Walnut Hills in ’03

Drawn to the theater from an early age

She studied two years at U.C. 

Then off she went to the New York stage

“The Devil” was her first Broadway part

From Broadway Theda moved to Hollywood

Where she quickly was cast as a “tart” 

She did forty films in her first four years

“The Galley Slave,” “Tiger Woman,” “Sin”

Her fans called Theda “The Queen of Vampires” 

A vampiress who showed lots of skin

At her peak Theda earned four thousand a week

In the Twenties she wed a director

They moved to a mansion on Victory Parkway

Her life became that of a specter

Theda Bara died in 1955

She is buried in Forest Lawn Park

One of Cincinnati’s most illustrious stars

Theodosia carved out her mark

Stars of the Queen City

Cincinnati’s quite far from Manhattan

And it’s even more distant from L.A. 

Nonetheless it’s produced a surfeit of stars

I will tell you of some, if I may

Theda Bara (1885-1955)

Theda Bara was Cincy’s earliest star

She was queen of the silent film era

She did Walnut Hills High and then U.C. 

Though they claimed she was from the Sahara

Tyrone Power (1914-1958)

Tyrone played cowboys and pirates and spies

Few have been so handsome since

He graduated from Purcell High in Cincy

His tombstone reads, “Good Night, Sweet Prince”

Roy Rogers (1911-1998)

Roy Rogers starred in a hundred films

No one in Westerns was bigger

The Sons of the Pioneers joined him in song

And he rode a palomino named Trigger

Vera-Ellen  (1921-1981)

Vera-Ellen was born in Norwood

She took dance class with Doris Day

She won the Amateur Hour at age 13

And partnered with Astaire and Danny Kaye

Doris Day (1922- )

Doris Day was born Doris Kappelhoff

She started on WLW  

She filmed romances with Cary and Rock

Though having four husbands might trouble you

Andy Williams (1927-2012)

Andy Williams wasn’t born in Cincy

But he did go to Western Hills High 

He sold a hundred million records

With Moon River, it’s obvious why

Rosemary Clooney (1928-2002)

Rosemary grew up in nearby Maysville

She first sang with sister Betty

She teamed up with Bing in White Christmas

Botch-a-Me still makes my palms sweaty

Jerry Springer (1944- )

Jerry Springer was born in England

But we know him as Cincinnati’s mayor

Jerry has acted in quite a few films

His performance was rated just fair

George Clooney (1961 - )

George is Rosemary’s nephew

He’s the one who makes my wife swoon 

He gained fame as Dr. Doug on ER

He admits he can’t carry a tune

Woody Harrelson (1961 - )

Woody grew up in nearby Lebanon

He was bartender in that great sitcom “Cheers”

We enjoyed him in “True Detective” too

Even though it aroused our worst fears

Sarah Jessica Parker (1965- )

Sarah moved to Clifton when she was just four

She studied theater at SCPA

She started on Broadway at age eleven

But “Sex in the City” is what made her day

Carmen Electra (1972- )

Carmen was born in Sharonville

She is not a celebrity to diss

She appeared in Scary Movie and other fine films

And won an award for “Best Kiss”

There are many other stars from Cincinnati

But these are some of the best

I’ll keep my eye open on Fountain Square

Perhaps I’ll see some of the rest

What Is Life Like Exactly?

Life is a lot like a movie

A beginning, a middle, an end

The beginning is more or less groovy

But I’d say the end’s where you mend

My childhood was much like a Three Stooges short     

Curly bopping poor Moe on the bean         

Our parents did their best to give us support

But we children thought it fun to be mean

My teen years were more like those Beach Party flicks

Frankie A. and Annette Funicello

Knuckle-headed guys and bikini-clad chicks

It’s too bad I was such a shy fellow

In college I acted out pure John Belushi

All-night poker and free-flowing beer

We ate cold pizza and Japanese sushi

It’s amazing I found a career

My thirties were mostly a comedy horror story

The zombies lived right down the hall

Conflicts at work often bordered on gory

I tried to stay out of the brawl

Middle age became a film noir mystery

Charlie Chan or maybe Sam Spade

I struggled to make sense of my personal history

And feared that my dreams were to fade

My sixties were more like a slow British pic          

The scenes were offbeat and quirky               

I showed up for work and played out my shtick

I was lucky my spouse was more perky

Retirement has been a song and dance show

Ginger Rogers and vintage Astaire

Their dancing technique was to go with the flow

And treat life as a glamorous affair

This year seems most like a travelogue

I take classes at UC through OLLI

We learn everything about Paris or Prague

But the poems are what keep us jolly

Leave Her to Heaven

Last week I watched “Leave Her to Heaven”

They released it soon after the war

I was only eight when I saw it then

It rattled me right to my core

Gene Tierney played a woman named Ellen

She married the love of her life

Glamorous, poised, and elegant

She was Richard’s true dream of a wife

But jealousy was her unfortunate flaw

And, of course, she was also psychotic

She murdered an in-law and her unborn son

Their marriage turned dark and chaotic

When Richard finally came to his senses

He left his wife barely in time

Then Ellen promptly did herself in

Framing him and her sister for the crime

I don’t even know why I saw this film

My dad was away in the Pacific

I claimed I was going to Donald Duck

Instead I watched carnage horrific

The movie, of course, nearly scared me to death

I was terrified by a character so vicious

Everyone was fooled by her good looks and grace

Not even her husband was suspicious

I suffered from nightmares for weeks on end

All my dreams had to do with my mother

She’d beckon us to her with a loving smile

Then decapitate me and my brother

I woke every day in a pool of sweat

Heart pounding and breath erratic

I scanned my room in sheer terror

Life at home was completely traumatic

I’d always thought mothers were perfect

Affectionate, loving, and kind

But now I’d seen Ellen kill loved ones

The thought of it blew my young mind

I started watching my mother each day

She’d always seemed decent enough

But now I could see she’d get grumpy   

And even border on gruff

I think of one time with my brother

He had broken our mother’s new vase

Her eyes got squinty, she raised her voice

Was that murder I saw on her face?

Despite my worst fears, you can see I’m still here

And all of my siblings were spared

I admit there’ve been times that I’ve been confused

But with murder it’s best to stay scared

I’m glad I saw “Leave Her to Heaven” again

Such a realistic picture of life

My mother’s no longer a part of this world

But I’ve learned to watch out for my wife