The Pearly Gates

I dreamt I was standing at the Pearly Gates

Getting in was a very long wait

Millions of spirits arrive every day

It’s a chore to decide each one’s fate

I wasn’t quite sure how they did things

But from everything I could tell

You meet St. Peter and he decides

If you’re headed for Heaven or Hell

When I got to the gate I pressed the bell

Two angels welcomed me in

They gave me a ten-page form and said

To list all my good deeds and sin

I had some trouble in the Good Deeds part

Even though I went through my whole life

I take out the garbage on Monday nights

But I leave all the rest to my wife

I had more success when I got to Part Two

A list of my sins filled ten pages

I teased and tortured my brother for years

And I told blatant lies at all ages

St. Peter came in the moment I finished

I would say he is six feet two

With a long white beard, a halo, a robe

And a fairly bedraggled hairdo

I watched St. Peter as he scoured my list

Each page he got more of a frown

He looked at the sky and he shook his head

My heart stopped when he pointed straight down

Your score, said St. Peter, is a minus nine

But for Heaven one needs a plus six

He led me to an elevator near the door

Pressed the button for the River Styx

As the elevator dropped, I woke from my dream

Relieved that I still have some time

I’ll start my good deeds in a week or two

And I plan to record each in rhyme