Rule #1: Tell Them Who You Are
The greatest since Kubla Khan
As smart as Einstein or Ronald Reagan
The richest, the best golfer
A mistake to be modest
Rule #2: You Are the Arbiter of Fact
Facts are human creations
The only difference between facts and falsehoods
is whether people believe them
The people accept everything you say
Make up facts that are to your liking
Rule #3: Breed Hatred
Hatred is your most useful emotion
Pit Whites against Blacks
Christians against Muslims
Native-borns against Immigrants
Straights versus Gays
Always align yourself with the white Christian nation
Rule #4: Be the Entertainer Only You Can Be
Politics is another form of entertainment,
a spinoff from reality TV
Make the audience laugh
Tell titillating stories
like immigrants will eat your pets
or world leaders respect you
Rule #5: Use Your Finely Honed Debating Skills
Never worry about the question asked
Change the topic, wander off, attack the moderator
Spew out gobbledygook
If all else fails, blame the illegal immigrants
And if the communist pundits say you’ve lost the debate
Go to the spin room and set things right
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